Friday, February 13, 2015

I am so alone right now. and I am tired of drowning in my own thoughts and demons inside my head screaming that I am not good enough.I tried to talk to someone but they seems to not getting the gist that I am actually crying out for help. maybe they thought that's just me trying to make a small talk to them by whining about life.

 situasi mana dalam otak ni banyak sangat nak keluar so there will be some space kosong untuk ketenangan. tapi bila try nak keluarkan such as talk about it, only 15% je yang keluar. paham kan?

help me, for crying out loud!
you know when you expect some motivations from your friends but they kinda suck at it and they're like...

me: aku sedih la sebab tak dapat makan ais krim hari ni. ramai sgt orang kat kedai tu.
friend: ooh. kedai mana kau beli?
me: kedai xxx
friend: nak try la nanti.

paham tak? paham tak? tak paham tak pe lah.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014



Sedar tak sedar, makin tua makin jarang dah post apa2 kat sini. Busy with life? not really. well.. maybe, but mostly just not into writing anymore I guess. Writing is just a phase for me. I remember that I used to wrote a whole novel and kept it in a disket. Remember that empat segi thingy where we can store not more than one song and its size must be less than 1.4 something of a kilobytes? well, I end up deleting all the evidences. hehe.

so.. this blog stores about 50% of my teenage years. I am much of a private person where I don't story everything here. I don't even own a diary. Every memories are kept in a vast space that is my mind. eceh.

You could say this post is the closing for my teenage years. I'm a grown adult now believe it or not. Penutup yang dihiasi dengan tribute terhadap kawan-kawan SBG. Not that my friends in matric or schools are not important. they are. but this is recent and soon, they'll be the past and memories that I can never had anymore.

I know. I am not much of a perfect person but I tried. In friendship, sometimes I can fix it, sometimes I can't. It is not that I don't want to. but I just can't. I felt guilty and really sad for the ones who got away.I apologize for that. If you are reading this, you know who you are. But for the ones who stayed, I know they've been a trooper for keeping up with my miserableness and other negative attitudes. The most importantly, I love each one of them either the ones that got away or not. There had been in my life and I am thankful for that.

Empat tahun. Masa yang lama. Dengan mereka-mereka yang sama. Mana tak sebak. Masa last day in UMK, tears somehow running trough my eyes. I tried really hard to hide the tears from my family members as I usually appeared as this macho girl in front of them. The feeling was different. Gloomy.

Enough about all of that mushy stuffs.

Itu baru intro, guys. get ur popcorn! leulz.
this post is a tribute to my degree friends. Sebelum masuk umk, the only people yang dah ready kenal is kinah and zati. kinah naik bas sekali mase sekolah rendah and we've been classmates since form 1. Zati pulak jiran time maticullation. before forming groups mase minggu 3M, duduk sebelah mimi. time tu nak ready untuk submit few important documents. First encounter, I thought mimi was kinda minah sengih cos she smiles a lot. Nafizah pun aku kenal time orientasi. Reaksi nafizah paling tak boleh lupa. she gave me the stink eyes that she always does when she's annoyed. haha. Dapat group dengan kinah. so thankful sbb kinah je aku kenal. zati pun tak rapat sangat masa tu. Malam weekend tu ada meeting. so mase tu I met, Imah. She refuses me to call her 'Siti'. Then kenal Jiha. The rest, I knew them during the first class, TITAS. zatil, jiha, mira and farah. At first I thought zatil has this kinda alim image. haha.
I'm not sure if Zatil still remember this, but dulu masa sem 1, kite makan ramai2 kt kedai roti canai then one by one leave tinggal aku dengan zatil je. We had a long chat then lepas tu singgah PT (Pantai Timur supermarket). I think that was the point where we got closer. haha. I doubt she still remember. haha.
As time goes on, makin lama makin kenal satu kelas. mana tak, asyik form group je untuk setiap subjek. sampai confuse group yang mana satu.

Kenangan manis banyak, sebab yang pahit pun dah jadi manis bila tengok balik. Masa sem 3, geng study week, nafizah and zatil. pastu imah dan alina selalu study sekali kat ruang tamu kat kptm. Tak lupa juga. the biggest one, final year project. mapping, berpanas sama sama.. buat thin section bukan batu yang menipis tapi kesabaran yang menipis.. tukar tajuk fyp... tak tido malam...makan terabai.. lewat submit setengah jam. kene potong markah.. everything. so pahit but now when I look it all back. It is the sweetest memories. not that i want to experience the same chaos again. haha.

Looking back, I love every single bit of my life in umk sweet or bitter. I am not good with words (despite this long post) but I hope they get the gist of this post.

My UMK Life Season 1 to Season 8, COMPLETED. 

Thursday, September 5, 2013

I usually hate first days. especially that involves something new such as first time getting into matricullation, first year as degree student.
sebab ape? 

new environment. Huge adjustments and adaptations to the new environments. Making friends which is also hard. and yeah. worst of all. homesick. it is so worst that even mase kerja part time kat parkson dulu. first day is only for 4 hours basically standing like a tiang lampu until closing time (mase tu shift malam), I missed my mom and home. leulz.

So. my point is. regarding my thoughts about how hard is it to face new experience and to be a first year student, I never thought final year is WAY hard. Sebab ingatkan dah final year, you've got your friends around. you already familiar with how things goes, and comfortable, it will be a hell of an easy times. good time.

bitch please.
It's a freaking nightmare. 

shitloads of big decisions to be made. works to be done yet you still clueless how to manage all that. Preparation for the new era which is your next step. master or perhaps just a decent job. Grown up stuff meanwhile deep inside, you are just a scared little kid. IT IS SOME SERIOUS GROWN UP SHIT.

so. yeah. it is not easy. final year is not easy.

final year about to start in few days. zero excitements. here goes nothin'. to all my peeps who are experiencing the same deep shicst like me, good luck! 


Monday, April 8, 2013

masjid beijing

despite the fact that my fyp's future is still unknown or probably already on its way down the dump, I still decided to play around on the internet instead. this is one of it.

masjid beijing. bukan di Beijing, China tapi di Rantau Panjang, Kelantan Darul Naim, Malaysia. It have pointy roof maybe that is why it is called beijing. not sure masjid beijing is the real name or just a commercial name. forgot to check.

gambar selfies tanpa motif. this tudung is my current fav tudung and you'll be seeing a lot of me wearing this tudung in the future with it. haha.

Friday, March 15, 2013

you're a b*itch

One thing that I've learnt lately is..
you will not realized that you are such a bitch until karma hits you in the nuts. well, figuratively.
however, not many people will realize that they are in karma action but instead they bitch about how they were the victim.. and "I hate my life" or "life is unfair"...bla bla bla..
I admit that I was one of them until someone told me that
"bila benda macam ni jadi kat kau, cuba fikir balik.. mana tahu, suatu mase dulu, kau pernah buat benda tu kat orang lain..."
so yeaahh.. the moment of clarity. I AM INDEED WAS A BITCH.

that is why, we need friend(s) to make us realize something that we cannot see for ourselves. Bila dah mintak pendapat or nasihat tu, maybe kita tak boleh digest apa yang kawan kita cuba nasihatkan sebab kita marah and yang kita tahu,  kita je yang betul. but at least, think about it for at least a nano second. probably your friend are right. we are not always right, you know. we're humans.

nah.. gambar aryan comot to help u get the sense of thinking. mih mih mih... 

B&W selfies

percubaan untuk buat gambar black n white deep self potrait. homai. lawak
p/s: tudung belum bayar amni..
pp/s: gembira mata dah okay balik setelah mengalami zombie eyes for weeks walaupun sekarang ni infection tu still ada but sikit je.